Dear Shrek,
 
After just one season as captain, my team won the league, it was a momentous occasion. On the night of winning the league we went on an all night bender, and the following day we went on an open top bus ride through Bapchild. On reaching the steps at Hempstead House, iconic all rounder Adam Larking, who was still a little worse for wear, stated to the cameras ‘behind these glasses there are a thousand stories.

However since then, my job has become very difficult, the honeymoon period is over. After our superb 2007 season, hopes were high for the winter indoor tour, but we encountered problems immediately. Batsman Lee Cogger was sent home from the tour before a ball was bowled, with a mental illness, following the break down of his relationship. It was felt that opponents may take advantage of his frail mental state on what is always a tough tour. Wicket keeper Lee Taylor also left early to be present at the birth of his 15th child.

Most notably, influential all rounder Larking’s drinking was beginning to cause problems. Larking fell off a pedalo on Tonge Lake while drunk, and featured in the headlines of the local press (EKG – ‘ADALO’, Adscene – ‘Adam seen LARKING about’). Matters came to a head when Larking turned up drunk for a training session the day before the match at The SCC, and had to be sent home. I felt badly let down by Larking and exposed his behaviour in my recently published autobiography (from Barbados to Bapchild).
 
The match at The SCC was shrouded in controversy. I nicked one behind when on 1, and didn’t walk. The umpire didn’t give it, and I went on to make 5 off 230 balls, an innings which swung the game in our favour. During my innings, one of the opposition players called me ‘microphone head’. I reported him to the match referee, but to my surprise, it was my team that the press turned on the following day. We were criticised for excessive appealing and sledging, and called hypocrites in what the EKG dubbed ‘wallyline’, the biggest controversy to hit cricket since ‘Booseygate’.
 

Other players in the squad decided to follow my trend, cashing in on their new found fame after the 2007 season, appearing as after dinner speakers and many also publishing autobiographies (Ricky Dale  - ‘from KFC to BCC and back, the story of my season, Alan Hampton – ‘Life after captaincy’). Nick Page (known in the press as ‘NP’ or ‘King Nick’) has been enjoying the high life, photographed outside the Vineyard and Life with a string of 15 year old beauties. It seems as though the players have lost their focus.  As the new season approaches, a number of players are revealing their problems with homesickness, ahead of long trips to the London Borough. To cap it all, spinner Matt Roche has done a scathing interview in the East Kent Gazzette. This is in response to an article in a rival paper that he is not a top class spinner, is overweight, and like a ‘wheelie bin’ in the field. After my early success, the wheels seem to have come off, what can I do to return the team to its former glories?
 
Regards

J John

Dear Mr John, it seems as though things have spiralled beyond your control. I suggest that you step down and hand the captaincy to your vice M Animal, he will be able to rule these players with a firmer hand.